#heterosexual eddie makes no sense i can go on about this forever

[presumeddeaddie]

if i may add on, we don’t even know exactly what specific queer identity that eddie is. in mine, and most other’s opinion when it comes to queer eddie, he seems homosexual based on the context. a lot of people ascribe to demisexual too. he could be bisexual/biromantic if the show goes that way (even though it’s highly unlikely considering his inability to form strong romantic connections to the women he’s romantically involved with). even just simply queer. what’s so clear though, is that the queer is THERE. people are grabbing onto these weak threads where he’s able to be physically amorous with women as proof that he’s heterosexual, when in fact, there are countless examples of gay men who marry women and have children with women, but are not IN LOVE with these women (michael grant!!! from the jump of the show!!). their full desire and affinity for what’s right will be with men, no matter how much heterosexual sex and conceived kids with women they have. what will always be the most telling is the interactions outside of sex. his relationship is a whole beast in itself (but also has heavy, if not the heaviest, implications of comphet eddie), but the easiest way to see it is with ana and marisol. at this point, it’s willful ignorance.

the funniest thing about the Heterosexual Eddie thing is that even if you put everything else aside. like, you know. the fact that buck was technically by their logic "canonically" heterosexual for six seasons, the fact that queer-coding is a very real thing that has existed in media for approximately a fucking century (not even hyperbole. like, actually approximately a fucking century) and that eddie is, well. extremely queer-coded, and the fact that many of the people now bizarrely deciding that canon queer is the only accepted and correct type of queer are people who originally headcanoned him as queer. like, even if you put all of that aside, the best they could do to prove that heterosexual is how eddie should and is intended to be read (to queer people no less) is *check notes* a twenty second video edit. OUT OF SEVEN SEASONS. google how to become a parody of yourself and they will be the first result i think.

[laundrybiscuits]

(continued from this and this)

“Yeah, I just told her to give them the cold shoulder. Don’t have to be mean or anything, just ignore ‘em a little. Play it cool. Drives girls crazy, ‘cause then they have to work to get your attention.”

Eddie stares at him. 

“Holy shit, Buckley’s gonna die alone and it’s gonna be a hundred percent your fault. That is the worst fucking advice I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Steve actually looks offended, like his honor’s been impugned. “What the hell, man? I’ve picked up like a million girls that way. I’m telling you, it works.”

“Yeah, okay, now I’m seeing why my sage advice is required for this whole endeavor. That kind of thing might fly if you’re some alpha dog prom king, but lesbians are like…giant pandas or some shit, okay? The conditions have to be precisely calibrated or they’ll just hibernate in a cave by themselves eating bamboo forever.”

“That doesn’t sound right,” says Steve. 

Eddie shrugs. “Whatever, I’m not a panda scientist. The point is…okay, let’s do a thought experiment.” Oh, this is a bad, bad idea. The Munson specialty. “Say you wanted to get a guy interested in you. How would you do it?��

“I’d just—” Steve stops, frowning. “I mean, girls usually just…laugh at guys’ jokes and stuff. Or wear, like, makeup?”

“How are you so awful at this,” says Eddie. “Jesus. I swear to god I remember you doing better with girls at school. Anyway, I didn’t ask what girls do, I asked what you’d do.”

“Shit, I don’t know. Isn’t that why I’m here?” Steve’s getting a little huffy, fidgeting. “I’d just…find a way to hang out with the guy, I guess. Laugh at his dumb jokes.”

“Yeah, sure,” Eddie says patiently. “But that’s what you do with friends too, right? And when you’re walking a perilous path far from the bright streets of heterosexuality, you probably don’t want to risk being too obvious, in case you’re wrong. So you gotta just…give them an opening to let them, like, signal if they’re interested. If they’re looking for a sign, they’ll take it.”

Steve wrinkles his nose. “Ok, but what if they’re not interested yet? Like…sometimes girls take a while to warm up to you.”

“Cut your losses and move on.” Admittedly, Eddie’s still working on that part. 

“What? Man, I’m starting to think you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Eddie scowls at the skeptical look on Steve’s face. “Jesus, the disrespect. Why am I not telling this directly to Buckley, anyway? She’s the one in need of these hard-earned pearls of gay wisdom.”

Steve lets out a big, gusty sigh and tips his head back against the couch. “Because she said if I tried to give her any more help with dating, she’d smother me in my sleep and pin it on Dustin.”

“Attagirl,” says Eddie approvingly. 

“But obviously she still needs help, so this is like—a stealth mission. For love.”

“For love,” says Eddie. “Yeah, okay.” 

———

“Hey, can you—”

Robin whirls around at the unexpected voice and promptly trips over nothing at all, arms flailing out to avoid crashing into the library returns cart.

“Oh, shit,” says the stranger, reaching out a hand like she’s going to catch Robin’s elbow, but pulling back at the last second. “Um. Sorry.”

Robin blinks down at a girl in head-to-toe black, including dusty black combat boots. “Aren’t you hot,” she says, then wants to die. “I mean—like, just, with the heat and all, it’s a billion degrees out, I think if I tried to wear that much black I’d instantly dissolve like the Wicked Witch of the West.”

The girl stares back at her for a second, then bursts out laughing. It’s a nice laugh. 

“As if. I’m from Utah, this is nothing.”

“Oh! Utah! You’re not—are you, uh, Argyle’s girlfriend?” The way Argyle’d described her, Robin had been picturing some kind of Elvira-themed ingenue in lace, maybe smoking like a 1920s flapper. This makes more sense for a real-life teenager, though: oversized t-shirt tucked into ratty black jeans, with some cheap-looking silver jewelry tied around her neck. Her eyeliner’s heavier than anything Robin’s ever seen in Hawkins, smudging messily a little in the heat that’s apparently nothing to her. It makes her look a little bit like a panda bear, but not in a bad way.

“Not anymore.” She grimaces. “Ugh, that sounds mean. We’re, y’know, still friends and everything. I’m Eden.”

“Robin,” says Robin, gesturing at herself like a loser. “Hi.”

“Hi,” says Eden, and smiles at her.

[userautumn]

what are we thinking about eddies upcoming storyline? I mean it’s definitely going to be linked to masculinity, but will that also include sexuality? if that’s true I’m guessing tommys a gonner

i don't think this current arc is going to lead to a sexuality realization but i don't think it's not going to lead to one either.

walk with me.

parts of this season feel very much like a season 5 redo in the sense of the firefam being split apart, buck having a longterm (relatively longterm) love interest, etc. one of the hallmarks of season five was eddie's battle with his father and with himself. in 5x17, eddie came to terms with the idea that he had childhood trauma that hadn't been addressed. so he addressed it. and in that addressing, there was - and i will maintain this forever - subtextual acknowledgement that his wants for himself were not his parents wants for him, and he was okay with that. these wants include his choice of a partner.

now, i could write here about the shannon / ana / buck of it all but there are a million thinkpieces about that so i'll just summarize. shannon was someone eddie chose for himself, much to his parents disapproval. ana was someone eddie chose for everyone else, as she was objectively "perfect" for him in every way. so buck, who has been textually compared to shannon, but male, would be someone eddie once again picks for himself, post-having this grand realization.

but, obviously, for reasons related to the studio rather than the narrative, this storyline didn't take. so now we fast forward to season eight and eddie stands on the verge of having another realization, deeper this time - a realization that requires him, once again, to dig to the seat of his trauma. and, this season, i am willing to bet that he will find there the same thing he found the first time: what he wants. he will find his selfishness there, he will find his desires there. he will find and acknowledge himself, in all his fullness. not as a father, or a son, or a soldier, or a medic, but as a man. and, sorry to anyone who disagrees with me, but who eddie is as a man is a queer man. i don't hate straight!eddie, and can acknowledge that that's who he is canonically, as of this moment. but there is so much subtext that suggests he is not heterosexual and that's a reading i will maintain.

so. from where i'm standing, the subtext is there but as i've mentioned before, eddie is never going to be the one to come out and say it. whereas buck's sexuality has always been wrapped up in his sense of identity and how he interacts with the world, eddie's (presumed) sexuality is wrapped up in how he views himself and how he honors and reveres and holds space for himself. so eddie's never going to be the guy who has a coming out arc because the being queer part has never terrified him. the wanting has always terrified him, not being what everyone wants him to be has always terrified him. so, yes, i do think there are seeds of queer!eddie we'll be able to identify in this upcoming arc. but i don't think they'll be anything like what we got in 7x4. and, lets be honest, it wouldn't make for good tv anyway.

two queer guys on the same show coming out a season after the other? fucking boring and humiliatingly cliche, transparent, and unserious. come on. on any other show with any other character, i'd be like "god do these people not have any more fucking material? 🙄what kind of diversity quota are they trying to meet?" and it wouldn't matter if the decision to make this character queer was a decision made passionately and in earnest, because it would feel disingenuous and like it's all part of some bigger scheme to thrust the Token Queers together and, i have to be honest, i selfishly want better for eddie than that. i don't want his sexuality to be viewed as checkmark on the road to buddie. ahem.

so, all that to say. the possibility of eddie, once again, reckoning with himself and who he is at his core leading to a subtextual acknowledgement of his wants and non-traditional/non-heterosexual desires is fairly high. and if eddie ends the season single, and buck ends the season single, i'll say okay, we might finally have something here. i've always maintained that, post-ABC reboot, if buck and eddie were to ever get together, it would be during season 9. but if eddie meets a girl in 8b, or if buck is still with tommy, or if they're broken up and he meets a girl, or if he meets another guy then eddie's sexuality will still be what it's going to be, it just won't relate to buck in any capacity.

jesus this was a lot of words. who am i

[watmalik]

I was looking at tags and i think you're the first person I've seen to actually suggest maybe Eddie's cultural heritage and upbringing accounts for his sassiness and expressive face and body language, so thank you for that. When everyone just says "it's because he's gay!" (which is pure fanon so far) it feels to me like it's kind of erasing his Latino-ness and personality 🫤

I’m going to approach this with a reality based type of answer, anon, as well as a care free type/wholesome answer. Apologies for the essay. I gave an intro/general context around the subject, my reality type answer (based on canon) and what I know as latino and my genuine answer of what I hope to see ( I call it wholesome answer). And just as a heads up, I disagree with you thinking buddies are trying to “erase” Eddie’s Latino-ness, but more like people tend to just mention/talk about things they know about, everything is answered under the cut and I hope it makes sense sense :)

Majority of the users here are perhaps of mainly European decent and/or just African/Asian only background (I don’t want to say white/black/brown, as it’s just colours that can fit within minority communities as well and not someone’s ethnicity) and majority of tumblr users are not emerged into Latino (Hispanic) culture as much as the next person. Although, there’s no feature in tumblr that could prove my statement regarding everyone’s ethnicity, I’m just speculating as a rule of thumb and things I’ve picked up along the way. The top 5 countries that use tumblr are not even in LATAM, nor Hispanic, and yes, although a majority of users are from the US, and yes there’s plenty of Latino (Hispanics) from there…they’re still minorities. So as rule of thumb, in tumblr? we’re minorities here as well.

Context: as a Latin@, born and raised in Latin America, I would say that Latino men are very affectionate with each other and when do these things majority of the times it means absolutely…nothing regarding their sexual orientation.

Tbh I’d compare Latino men to frat boys, majority love fútbol, hugging excessively, fake kiss, touching, don’t know what personal space is, and being the ultimate smart ass (depending on which regions they’re from lol) and don’t get me started if they’re the youngest of their family bc boy they sure are sassy 😂 and my god can they dance/twerk on anyone 💀

Women are pretty similar with each other like this, but they do portray it differently ofc. We literally hold each other to go shopping (link arms), we kiss each other’s cheeks as greeting, fake kiss when were drunk and that don’t mean anything most of the time.

(A/N:Everyone is just super affectionate and huggy (ugh I’m kinda glad I don’t live there no more, I hate this sometimes 🫠)

And they are just heterosexual people, but then there’s some of them that are not.

End of context.

Now with that in mind, let’s go in with Buck and Eddie. I’ve actually met people similar to Eddie in my life, the one’s that’ve done big gestures for friends, hell my uncle (who’s not blood related to me but is my father’s best friend since forever, is my godfather, and literally was my neighbour growing up bc he wanted to be close to my dad and their friend group. He promised to my dad and mum, if something were to happen to them no matter my age, he will take care of me as a daughter).

Keep in mind, Eddie is also an army man and that level of camaraderie is quite unique as well and now going to a fire house on top of this? When you risk your life with others, it creates this big connection, specially as a single guy and parents that are… certainly special on their own ways (derogatory).

His and Buck’s relationship is quite beautiful and there’s no hint in the show that’s goes into say either of them are anything but heterosexual.

That’s my serious answer.

Now going into my wholesome, care free answer, anon.

It be awesome if they turn their story around into a romantic one, I can see why others will view them that way and tbh? The story is there. If you flip everything I’ve told you about Latino men and what we know about them, and let’s say if Buck or Eddie did this for a woman? It would look like an actual romantic relationship under society eyes. So, I see the double standard here.

I tend to ship those relationships actually, rivals turned to great friends turn to lovers, and also…some of those looks they give each other? Gosh, it may be from what I said earlier, but it could also be something else. And hell, even though neither of them have been in relationships with men before (that we know of) sometimes you catch feelings from someone you didn’t expect out of nowhere yk? And that’ll be cool to see. The chemistry is there.

Sometimes, it’s fun not to take things so seriously. It’s fun to ship characters!

That being said, I genuinely don’t think buddies are trying to erase Eddie’s bg but I think because majority of tumblr users are not of Latino ethnicity they tend to, not forget about Eddie’s Latinoness (like you’re calling it), but will like to relate him to with what they know. And what they do know is being queer (again I’m assuming based on polls I’ve seen and as a rule of thumb, there a big sum of people who are queer and are also buddie fans/tumblr users), and just like everyone in this world, like every minority, they want to be represented :)

Representation for minority groups is always good. There’s not a lot of Hispanic/latino queer representation in TV and if we were to get it, I know that’ll make someone’s life better out there. Maybe not life changing but perhaps tell them that they’re not alone and that everything is and will be fine. Specially for those who unfortunately are not allowed to be their true selves. It gives people hope, that there’s some sense of belonging, out there, and that they can relate and feel included.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for the ask 🫡

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[variousqueerthings]

Tom Hardy Movies rated least to most queer

I made a list of some Tom Hardy movies and I rated them based on my own, non-specific criteria about what makes a movie queer. Results below the cut.

(Some films not included, because I haven’t watched them yet, because Mr Hardy’s only in them for a few minutes, because the subject matter doesn’t lend itself to this list, or because I just don’t want’em here. TV series also not included. The list is organised into both groups and ratings, because I’m doing The Most.)

Movies are divided into four groups and rated from 0 – 10 on the Queer-Scale, scroll down to the bottom if you want the ratings without the commentary.

Disclaimer: This list is subjective. Don’t come at me because I didn’t rate Inception higher, Nolan himself is as queer as cargo shorts. 

1. This movie would make more sense if it were queer

If this movie were queer it… might not become a perfect film all of a sudden, but it’d make a hell of a lot more sense than what’s actually going on. With an occasional dose of “are the cis-straights okay?”

This Means War (2012): So Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are ostensibly both in love with Reese Witherspoon, but say “I love you” to each other pretty much constantly throughout the movie and their friendship is often presented as a domestic partnership. Cool, cool, cooool.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10. This movie hate-crimed me by having Tom Hardy literally spell out his relationship with Chris Pine, only for the script to then have him say… “can you imagine all that… but with a woman…” Later on the movie explicitly denies polyamory is possible. Fuck this film.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Batman movies should always be queer. Mr. Hardy’s the only one who acceptably camps it up, despite Nolan’s best attempts to make him “acceptably gruff.” No matter what you do, Bane is a massive daddy in a mask and thanks to Mr Hardy’s honestly iconic fucking speech pattern in this film, it goes from pretty atrociously straight to just queer enough to imagine a future where Robert Pattinson plays batman and maybe adopts a bunch of kids.

(the only truly decent mask in this franchise tbh)

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. Mr Hardy’s back is the one that’s actually broken carrying any semblance of fun in this overly long movie all on his own.

Lawless (2012): Wow, this really was the year of the not-queer-enough, wasn’t it? Look, it’s “based on a real story,” but it’s also a movie and movies don’t need to stick to the truth, and this one certainly doesn’t. Was the guy queer in real life? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s just kind of an eh movie and maybe being queer would add something to it. One of those “but why make someone queer? because it’s always more interesting to do so,” movies.

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. It’s just not queer. But Tom Hardy wears cardigans and described his character as a “mother figure,” which adds an interesting dynamic to him.

2. Actually Queer but in a homophobic way

Tom Hardy plays a canonically queer character, yaaay. The whole movie contains a strange sense of the director being too not-queer to actually engage with that and everything around him is almost aggressively straight, noooo.

RocknRolla (2008): Honestly this movie has the funniest coming out scene ever + that familiar undertone of “all these manly men secretly want to fuck each other” is only heightened by one of them actually being gay and in love with his best friend. It’s such a fucking… it’s such a movie. Personally I find Mark Strong, Idris Elba, Thandie Newton, and, of course, Tom Hardy to be really hot in it, so that’s a plus. There’s a scene in which Strong’s character teaches another gangster how to do a proper backhand. It’s really gay of him. Also slow-dancing at a gay club. Butler’s character needs to get himself together, you really don’t think 2008 Tom Hardy is hot? Mate.

(left to right: functional queer, disaster queer, distinguished queer)

Queer Rating: 6 out of 10, for having an actual gay character who is played by Tom Hardy doing a sexy phonecall voice to another guy, but then there’s that feeling you can’t shake that the whole movie is vaguely uncomfortable about it, like a family member awkwardly patting you on the shoulder after they found out you were queer second-hand, but they’ve still got 50 years of bias to unlearn. Also Thandie Newton is killed, fuck that noise. 

Legend (2015): If I had a nickle for the amount of times Tom Hardy’s played a gay gangster, I’d have two nickles. Which isn’t a lot, but weird that it happened twice (looks at Peaky Blinders and thinks it ought to be three times). I’ve watched Legend three times and every time it just… loses me. And because this is a biased list, I’ll only specifically mention that it fails to make Ron’s queerness anything but a way for him to shock others. Gangsters could be gay? Gasp! On the upside Tom Hardy has so much sexual tension with everyone in this movie, including himself (why would you do that? Asks Ron, bemused. Because I can’t kill you, no matter how much I fucking want to, hisses a blood-soaked Reggie right into his ear. It’s hot).

Queer rating: 5 out of 10 because the film is just not very queer for a movie with several queer men in it.

3. Straight as a forced family dinner

It’s straight.

Locke (2013): He’s a married man who had an affair and trying to deal with the fallout of it. This isn’t a spoiler for most of the movie, it’s a pretty neat movie where we look at Tom Hardy having a bit of a mental breakdown and taking lots of phonecalls (my personal hell). Is it queer? Not in the slightest.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10 for Hardy’s face being in almost every shot.

The Revenant (2015): Yeah, yeah, DeCaprio’s and Hardy’s characters are obsessed with each other, yeah it’s a man’s world where the only women are dead wife, kidnapped sexually assaulted native princess, or background whore, yeah, they fight each other and there’s a ton of grunting, but also… I just fucking don’t like this movie. The thin line where a storyline like this one becomes queer might be crossed for others, but not for me. Fuck these guys and their stupid  bear fights.

Queer rating: 3 out of 10 for it being about dirty men in the middle of nowhere (but you could just watch Brokeback Mountain or The Lighthouse or God’s Own Country or any Mad Max, or, or, or…)

4. Queer? Queer. Queer? … Queer…

The plots, aesthetics and/or characters played by Tom Hardy lend themselves to a queer reading, even if there is no overt intention towards queerness. Often this is because of a deliberate lack of heterosexual and/or cisgender writing, which in this day and age is still pretty uncommon not to include within a plot.

Inception (2010): Okay, I don’t even need to write about the added “darling,” or the “go to sleep Mr Eames.” I don’t need to go on about the absolutely bonkers amount of fanfiction written for Eames and Arthur, based on a few minutes of film and a boatload of chemistry. It’s queer.

Queer Rating: 7 out of 10, because the actual plot of the film isn’t very queer, but between the Arthur/Eames dynamic and Elliot Page, Nolan was really given a gift he didn’t deserve.

Warrior (2011): Okay, so first off, this might be my favourite Tom Hardy film, at least some part of my brain is fixated on it at almost all times and I’m considering watching it for the third time in two weeks. I don’t only consider it queer based on Mr. Hardy’s character, although he has no romantic or sexual interest and could be read as aroace, but because of the themes, especially those surrounding said character, who is coded as a caregiver to women and through close emotional connections to men. It’s got possibly unintentional deconstructions of masculinity and two men (brothers) who need to forgive each other and can only do so through the catharsis of violence. It speaks to me as a transmasc with several cis brothers, struggling with my own masculinity. It’s not at all written for me, but I find myself all over it. I could talk about this movie forever.

Queer Rating: 8 out of 10. I’m not allowed to say any more or I’ll never stop writing about it. I love you Tommy…

The Drop (2014): Bob’s lack of sexual and/or romantic interest in Naomi is so strange to her that she doesn’t know what he would want from her otherwise. Bob really just wants to raise a dog with her (and also forgiveness for past sins). Bob is such a rare ace and possibly aro coded character, it really throws me every time I watch this film how obvious it is. Bonus points for also being autistic-coded and not in the stereotypical ways.

(Tom Hardy’s most challenging role: pretending he doesn’t know dogs)

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10 because it’s so fucking rare to see ace and aro coded characters that aren’t, you know…. serial killers. Also Tom Hardy adopts a puppy and has a very cute, kinda lispy voice. How often does Tom Hardy play softer men like this?

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015): Very deliberately no sexual or romantic writing included in Max’s and Furiosa’s relationship. Sure, there’s not a lot of time for that in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but it was also done with a purpose! “It was always going to be two warriors on par, starting off with very little respect for each other and ending up with a massive respect for each other.” - Charlize Theron. “So of course they meet, of course there’s a relationship, an unspoken understanding. A recognition.” - Tom Hardy.

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10. It’s not just the characters, but the world and it’s apocalyptic BDSM leather scene, the questions it asks about sustainability and about people as tools, and the found family. It’s about overcoming violence through multiple kinds of love. And it’s about watching a guy playing flame-thrower guitar. What could be queerer?

Venom (2018): Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same… No, but Eddie is queer. The only question is whether the sequel will acknowledge that aspect or not, but even if not. Even if it manages to straightly bypass the reality of a symbiotic relationship with a genderless? genderfluid? being from another world that is linked to you down to your very cells and understands you more intimately than any other person possibly could… even if all that: Eddie is queer. Venom and Eddie are in a relationship. Any relationship Eddie ever enters into will automatically become a thrupple. He makes out with Venom in the movie! Eddie is queer.

(aw yeah that tongue is going down his throat)

Queer Rating: 9.5 out of 10, because it’s still coded by the creators in the language of bromance (hey, bro, is it gay if we’re physically and emotionally closer than any other people on earth?), but the movie is so, so camp and Mr Hardy’s acting choices are beautiful – the screaming? The lispy soft voice and lack of taking up space? The lobster tank? The only people who don’t know how queer this is are the people making it apparently. Fingers crossed for that sequel!

Hon. mentions:

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002): Star Trek – even at it’s worst (especially at its worst?) – is camp af + Hardy is a straight-up baby in this film.

Bronson (2008): It’s about a real person who’s still alive, so I won’t comment on the actual man. However the film seems to code the character Bronson along an ace line and also has genderqueering Vaudeville. Someone let Tom Hardy do more of whatever was going on in those stage-bits.

(this right here: this the good shit)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011): Another ensemble piece not massively about Hardy’s character, but it’s a movie that centers around queerness in a strange, depressing way. Tom Hardy’s character isn’t queer. Colin Firth and Mark Strong are though. The book makes me cry.

Peaky Blinders (2013-): Because it’s a TV series I left it out. There’s a lot of straight nonsense going on there, but Alfie Solomens is gay. There’s nothing in the series that disputes that and plenty that lends itself to the reading.

Dunkirk (2017): Tom Hardy plays an RAF pilot in a deep emotional connection with the other main RAF pilot. That’s immediately gay. However he’s not in the movie much because of the way it’s constructed, so I left it off.

Queer Ratings (least to most)

No queer to be found here traveller:

This Means War: 2 out of 10 - illegal movie, Tom Hardy swore he wouldn’t do another rom-com after

Locke: 2 out of 10 - straight Welshman and his straight problems. He pretty though

Lawless: 3 out of 10 - cardigan-Hardy being a mother-hen, but very straight for all that

The Dark Knight Rises: 3 out of 10 - a superhero movie that doesn’t deserve Mr Hardy’s camp talents (unlike Venom)

The Revenant: 3 out of 10 - doesn’t give me what I want out of a movie full of dirty, bearded men

Queer but we deserve more:

Legend: 5 out of 10 - timid homosexuality, considering the source material. 

RocknRolla: 6 out of 10 - hey bro, is it gay if we kill the only female lead in our massive ensemble cast

The queerest of Hardy’s:

Inception: 7 out of 10 - Elliot Page and JGL kissing was an all-around terrible choice that made no sense, we know the truth, Nolan

Warrior: 8 out of 10 - I’m still crying, Edgerton’s crying, Hardy’s crying, we’re all crying, and I think that’s really emotionally healthy and queer of us

Mad Max: Fury Road: 9 out of 10 - non-romantic love in the time of BDSM post-apocalyptic wastelands is something that can actually be so personal

The Drop: 9 out of 10 - “Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat them despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me!”

Venom: 9.5 out of 10 - Sometimes a relationship is an anxious reporter, the sentient goo inhabiting his body, his kinda-ex-girlfriend and her new doctor boyfriend, and I think that’s beautiful

[matan4il]

Heyy I'm that anon about 3.9 Also sorry for the misunderstanding ig? But both of you do such an amazing job together especially the 3.12 meta!! Gave me so many insights. Ig what I was looking for was the 'flirt'ing aka talk thing that happened between buck and Eddie in the kitchen.. WHat was THaT. Omg yayy. Cannot wait to read all that you've written about 3a and 3b. :))

Hi Nonnie and yay, glad to hear from you! :D And don’t worry about it because yes, @riarklus really does an amazing job with the gifs, she’s so freaking talented and our fandom is so much better for having her in it. I’m forever hearteyes over her creations! <333

I am so happy you liked the 312 meta post, I can’t repeat that enough. One of my faves! Any insight I may have, it’s my pleasure to share with you! xoxox

So if you check out AO3, you’ll see my old meta was divided into 33 parts and I just checked, what I had to say about 309 was in parts 29 & 30, which means it’ll take me a while to get to re-posting them on AO3. I do have links for where I originally posted these, which is Twitter and I can link you to those if you’d like me to.

But honestly, there IS NO REASONABLE HETEROSEXUAL EXPLANATION. I mean, yes, there is, kinda, if you tilt your head and squint twice. Eddie is upset, Buck is his friend, Buck wants to cheer him up, Buck suggests playing video games to distract Eddie from his pain. So far, so heterosexually good. But it’s really in the way that he does it, isn’t it? It’s his body language - the little strut over to Eddie, the invasion of his personal space, Buck’s hand on his belt buckle, the slight thrust of his hips forward, the way he plays with his head movements and tone (I swear, I compared it with the way Buck uses those when he flirts with Taylor Kelly and it’s the same freaking body language to the T, including the supposedly-bashful little look down and then back up again). It’s all so freaking flirtatious, I’m shocked these two are still oblivious morons. And then you have Eddie’s reaction which, you know. If this is just bros being dudes, he should be able to verbally react freely, but his reaction, especially at the end, is basically one long *gulp*. There’s tension there and you can cut it with a knife and not even the knife is heterosexual anymore, since these two are so bi for each other. 

And then if you wanna talk about the emotional significance of this scene, it’s so loaded, too! Buck sees Eddie as being someone that he needs to be there to save, and he insists on apologizing again when Eddie isn’t used to being treated like that. Shannon never apologized, just demanded to know when she’d be forgiven, yet here is Buck, apologizing not once, but twice, even after being forgiven. His strength in being able to do this is so breathtaking in this scene. Also, I think after 315, after we have a better understanding of how destructive Eddie’s parents have been for his self confidence (and they never apologized either as far as we know), it makes Buck’s insistence on showing Eddie how much he matters even more meaningful and beautiful. Eddie keeps feeling like he’s a failure, like he’s not enough, with Shannon, in Afghanistan, with Chris... But to Buck, he is more than important enough to do this for. And Eddie is so emotional about this whole thing that he really can’t react normally, he can only resort to deflecting quips and long silences and sipping on his beer thinking of Buck’s kissable lips. Not to mention, what Buck is offering ends up being exactly what he needs. It’s not just a game night, not just a distraction from the pain, it’s a sense of home and family and belonging and love and being seen and cared about. It’s a moment Eddie treasures so much, it’s one of those that play out in his mind as he’s drowning and it helps give him the will to go on fighting in order to get back to that family. It’s amazing. 

OMG, Nonnie. I apologize, this answer is a mess! But so am I, every time I think of that unbelievable kitchen scene. I hope it gave you some satisfaction anyway! Feel free to let me know. xox